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Dear Me!

I was thinking alot over the past few days about blogging but my attention span and interest level seems a bit compromised. You know something is wrong when your camera feels to heavy to hold and the voice on the other end of the phone seems to blur into those sounds that  all the adults made in the Charlie Brown movies. You know something is wrong when the thought of bed time on a Sunday night brings you dread and nausea.  I have known for years something was wrong. We have called it Lyme Disease syndrome, We have called it Depression and anxiety.  You see all the stuff they say about some day you will realize what is petty and what is not is true. It all too often has to come with a smack to the head. Not literally! A big moment when everything petty fades away and your in that moment when you say, " Ok this is bigger than everything?"
I have a diagnosis and thanks to the wonderful world of health insurance or the lack of I will wait a couple months for the second one. Although we are pretty sure Lupus is my other demon. Hoshimotos is my first. Auto immune system disease. I sat  as he talked about the advanced damage that has been done thus far and I looked at my boots. My Cowboy boots!  As he talked I thought I do not have this I wear cowboy boots and I feel good today and I have kids and I have dreams. I think he should look at the test results again to be sure. He is  forced then to be graphic and say, " Look your thyroid looks like a wet kitchen sponge thrown in a blender with some peanuts and ketchup thrown in for good measure." Your Thyroid is being attacked by your own immune system and you have anti bodies that leave you open for Lupus and a whole bunch more auto immune diseases." So you accept it, you smooth out your skirt, you listen to your heels click down the hall to the exit, you make your appointment and you hear a gluten free diet is great for auto immune diseases.  You step out into the sun212 and watch your mom who is with you struggle to the car because she shakes, her knees are bad and she forgets shit and you say, " Life is about to become difficult, How do I take care of her, kids, Jim, dogs, bills, ect and now throw myself into the mix?" I do not take care of me! No one does! It is not needed. Well now it is!

So I start to research both Lupus and Hoshimotos and I find that Gluten Free and a really healthy diet seems to be the first thing you need to do.  So this is where I start! Gluten Free.  No cheating no thinking I feel good I can have this or that. It is a commitment. Shit I have never been good with commitment it scares me . I guess I need to get over that.
I thought about many people these past few days two people in particular that had hurt me horribly in my life. I always let them back in or wish them back in my life and they do it to me over and over again. When I can not provide something they need for them they move on to the next one. When that does not work they step back in. I closed the door on them. I do not miss them! I do not want them! I like my life with out them! They are a petty little thing in my past. My future is big! My quality of life is big, My heart is Big, I want to set a goal and by 2/24/13 I want to have lost a few pounds, have my meds stable, my diet set and feel what 45 is supposed to feel like. My goal is set. Feel better for my Birthday!

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Kim you are a strong woman and will be able to get through all of this. The kids are old enough now they can be there for you and help you when you need it. Stay centered, positive, and keep faith. All will work out in the end.

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