Log in

No account? Create an account
Progress does not always look like progress.
Since My Last entry I have started working for a very nice lady,failed college math,had hot flashes,and started to really look back at some mistakes I made and call them just that instead of saying I have no regrets. To not have any regrets would mean I learned nothing and I most certainly have learned tons!  I have taken some great photos as of recently and I am ever so proud of them. I usually feel naked with out my camera or insecure it is my blanket.  I am learning to have a relationship with nature and it amazes me how calming it can be to recognize your having a relationship with your subject when your photographing them even if it is a hop toad. I have changed in what I used to view as a priority and have started setting some boundaries for the future. I have made the decision to seperate my life from my husbands life. I do not have to entertain his friends this weekend as plain and simple I do not like them. I like some of his friends but for the most part I can think of maybe six out of his 50 fair weather friends I actually would sit and have a coffee with or be able to swallow my food and share a meal with. I also have decided I am a mother to the children I gave birth too and a friend to my step son who just continues to amaze me with his oh so handsome and classy way.  I am findong that I like who I am now so much better than who I was 5,6,7 years ago even and a thousand times better than who I was 20 years ago. I love my Journey! I am still searching for my spiritual fix and be able to put a name on that and find peace in it but I get closer every day.
It has been two years since Willy went to heaven and I have given up all hope of them ever giving him the Justice he so well deserves. I do not visit his grave as often as I did I think it was holding me back from moving forward and letting go of my anger. I do though see life goes on and he lives on in two pretty special kids. Enough said about that and now onto the animals. The dogs continue to make me move every day and my new addition my rabbit Ruby bring me a Joy I can not get any where else.It is time to make a plan organize my ducks and get them in a row and move forward in life wisely and make those moments count! God Bless and have a great day!

Reflections on this week!
This past week was certainly something to consider life altering for sure! I still stand as so many do in the position we have the right to own guns! I still love the town I live in and I still believe Guns do not kill people, people kill people!  I woke up that morning just like any other morning ready to take on the day! I ate a bowl of cheerios and hung out with the dogs for a little while and then looked into the living room where Timothy lay on the couch sleeping! I already knew it would be a hard day to get get him up and moving! I called to him three times and I got a grumble and a mumble and he flipped over turning his back to me! " Great he is not gonna move! " I thought to myself! I walked over to him tussled his hair with my fingers and said out loud, " You need a haircut". SO I decided I would let him go in late. He had been late to school every day last week due to my surgery and so I thought one more time is not going to make much of a difference.  I felt better that day than I had in a week and it felt like a good morning!  So I told him to sleep another hour and then I was going to take him to get a haircut about nine! I would take him to breakfast and spend a little one on one time before he made it to school in time for his culinary class!  As I was getting dressed I started to get really warm. Worse than a hot flash warm! I tool Ricky outside thinking the fresh air would cool me down. I made it maybe three steps into the back yard and I started to shake. My heart was pounding so hard I thought I would be sick! I sat down and though this is a panic attack what is wrong with me? There was nothing stressful going on! I glanced through Facebook, made some tea and took three sips and I knew I would be sick.  I looked at the clock and decided if I lay down for a hour I will still have time to get Tim to the Barber! I lay down and woke up at 9:15 am. Timothy was still sleeping and snoring in fact. I woke him up and asked him if he was ready to eat some Breakfast we would try to get to school by ten thirty!  I still felt weird! He gave me the, Are you feeling ok look but said in a long drawn out voice, Ohhhhhhhhhhh K!   Twenty Minutes later I received  the first text that said, " Where are you?" Within a  hour I was glued to the TV and totally in shock!  What possessed this man to have such a total disregard for human life? He set a house on fire that had a child in it and never gave it a second thought! He shot good, kind,helpful,men! He killed a police dog! He shot out a window not caring who or what he hit! I can not wrap my head around it nor understand it!  He lay in wait for 19 hours and was planning on taking more lives!  He shut a town actually two towns down and he died doing it! I am not one to wish death on anyone but in my opinion death is the kindest form of justice for this valley! It is a better place with out him in it!                        So where does a community go from here? We move forward! We hopefully learn from this! Listen to your gut instinct! Listen to those odd feelings we get that tells us not to do something! We embrace those traffic jams, or little things that go wrong that make us late to a appointment! It is God Winking at us! It is the power of coincidence!  So as I like so many others pray for the families of those lost, Give thanks to APE! Yes the I cried over the dog just as hard as I cried over the loss of human life!  His life is no less important! As I struggle to send my son to school on Monday! As I lock my doors in the day time now I have to give Thanks for what I have and move forward with one thought in Mind!  Live each moment not just each day as if it were your last! I have not been able to listen to drama, or loud noises nor can I tolerate ignorant rumors or statements! I do not have time for that! None of us do! I have to love now because who knows how a simple day where you get up and eat a bowl of cheerios is going to turn out!

A new year!

It seems I was moved to blog for about two weeks now. Finding the time to do so and so hating the fact I  have to or should go back and fix typos so I look a little smart is just too much of a task for me. Christmas has come and gone and snow fell. What a magical thing snow can be. I love the way it looks out doors today the sun shines on the snow and gives the illusion of diamonds all over. I have loved that snow sparkle since I was small. I have loved many things since I was small. The smell of pine, cookies baking,snow,birds singing and the smell of horses. Many of those things have been missing from my life at times and when one of them is I feel it to the very core of my soul. It seems over the past four or five years I have been tested. We all have here. How strong are we really? Do things happen because God or some higher power wants us to stop and look at what is important?
 I am often judged for the way I look at things. Maybe because at some point like a boiling pot of water it just has to boil over and I have to verbalize it. I have the impossible and crippling disability of getting so full of emotion and thought I have to release it somehow or explode and if I explode it always comes out with swear words and a loud tone that totally changes how I wanted to put it out there. It usually makes it something ugly instead of blunt and true. It is a handicap indeed but........I never said I was one to go along with the normal movement of things. I swim against the current,walk in to the wind and stubbornly stick to what I think. So as I approach this blog I must say how I truly feel so that I can wash myself of not just this past year but the last five and cleanse my soul and set some goals. Tell some truths accept the backlash and move forward better for it.  Enjoy!

Alcoholism:  It is a deadly, sad disease that ruins family and work relationships. It cheats children of parents and spouses of what they need. I live with it. I hate it and I no longer enable it. It can make things difficult but I have learned that even if it is someone close it is not your problem unless you are the one that decides to do the drinking. If someone has issues with addiction it is the problem of that person. Something I had to learn is that even if it is in my face close to me I do not own it! They Do! I can not save the world. I can only work on making mine better.

William:  I was blessed to see him come into this world and from day one my fears of him never making it to his first year were realized a month after a year so I guess I Was wrong. I DO NOT wish what happened to him did but I can not help but wonder why God does what he does and I have come to terms with it. It is what it is! I do not have the answers and I can not imagine what kind of a life he would have had was he still here. I can not think about it either. I have seen Williams Uncle Justin make so many strides this year. Landing a great Job and a great girlfriend and after last night I know he is a pretty darn good cook. I have seen things in Williams father that I wont comment on and as of day I am afraid I do not know him really at all. That also is what it is!

Willy Bears: God I pray this goes somewhere it could do so much good! I will continue to work on that.

My home: Plain and simple things need to change and I am meaning things need to be organized,fixed and re arranged! I want a entire wall of Books. My dream for the year to come a Library. Many people have Kindles and Nooks and computers and I am a firm believer that in the years to come life will simplify and I will have books! Paper and leather and typed the old fashioned way Books! If anyone has books they no longer want  I will take em all.  Cameras will be installed, a alarm system and locks for doors will be new. Safety from not just strangers but apparently people we know is needed and a priority. A good nights sleep would feel really great right now!

Me: I am going to get a new lens from my camera, let the gray hair come in naturally, age with grace, concentrate on Timothy and Shelby,Go back to work, take more pictures,paint a few,buy a horse,soak in the tub a little longer and read. I will read until I have retained every bit of knowledge,felt every emotion of a book and instill positive things into my brain. I will continue to heal and get over my PTSD or at least manage it and I will call my family more and say I love you. I will hold a baby this year with out breaking down and crying and I will paint a room some crazy color. I will find ZEN! I will study and find a spirituality that suits me. I will become very selfish in the next few months just long enough to take  care of me because if I don't I will be lost. Who knows If I live this year like it is my last and each day as if it were my last I may even do something a little crazy!  Ya Never know!   Happy New Year!

DSC_0455   I have learned so much about Life and people in the last five years. It has hurt but growing pains always do. I have met people that I admire. I do not see them every day or talk to them every day but they are in my heart every day for sure. I learn from them and the example they set. I have friends whom I love and am honored to call friends. Crystal my friend through thick and thin. My best girlfriend we share secrets and back each other up always. Brenda well she tells me to eat Bee shit every morning for my allergies, pushes me to eat healthy and yells at me when I am wrong which is not too often just ask her.  Then there is Marty. he just gets it. Life is simple to him and he loves dogs as much as me and to see him interact with the dogs at the humane society is inspiring.He is just the man! Then there is Sandy and Julie my loves,my sister mama's. Oh how I love them both. My Brother Kiethy and my sister in law Amber who will give me a niece or nephew soon that I can hold and cuddle and spoil and love as much as I do the girls. I adore those children. I adore Amber as well. Good mother and good wife. It is very easy for me through out the course of a day running kids to school and college,cleaning house, writing a paper, hauling water, caring for the yard and the kennel to start to feel bitter because it is all on me. It is all on me. there is no husband to dry dishes while I wash or pick up a broom or take me to dinner, there is no warm person to snuggle up to to watch a movie with but there is my children and my dogs. Dogs! Ricky and China yes they are my favorite but I love them all none the less. how loyal is a dog to it's owner and how unconditional is its love. I notice the intelligence of them more and more every day and pay attention to how they communicate. They have feelings and thoughts and they will share them with you if your open to it. If I did not have children and did not have that hope of being a grandmother some day truly my dogs would be my reason for living but I am blessed with so much more. I am blessed with friends and finally the brother I always wanted one who is my protector, my friend, my blood. One who treats me well and respects me. I let him be himself and recognize the great human being he is and he loves me. It feels good to finally have that non back stabbing, pure and honest relationship that we have. I have wonderful friends and amazing children. For that I am joyful beyond explanation.
     I am of a free mind I pretty much do what I want to do and at times those choices have brought me ridicule and judgment. It is part of LIFE! Everyone is entitled to a opinion. Not every one is going to like you in life. Some people rain on your parade because they are jealous of your sun and tired of their shade. Sadness and misery loves company and I refuse to join anyone in misery. I spoke with my Aunt Cindy last night and I have totell you I could listen to her talk for hours. I love her voice and who she is I love her stories that she tells me of the past and of history of who we are. We spoke about the history of a place called Grindstone island I truly admire her. the conversation took a turn of motherhood. She said she was proud of her daughter as a mom. I thought of our grandmother. I am one of three granddaughters to Charlotte Pardee and I must say my cousins are great mothers. We learned it from our mothers who were raised by the best mother in the world. I for myself owe it to grandma to be who I am. We are her legacy and I think we do her proud. So on that note as I embark on my paper on Stem-Cell research I leave this blog with a thankful heart and a positive out look on things. The power of what we wish for the SECRET is the power of positive thinking and the honor is being blessed with great things is mine today!  God Bless!

Saving ME!
I think that at some point when we look at the dysfunction and utter pain that surrounds us in life we have to eventually do one of two things. We can just settle for how it is, ignore it and accept it and turn into a rotting walking emotionally dead person or we can step back and be a little hard on ourselves and say, " How have I accommodated this and how have I accepted and contributed to this situation.  And move forward.. It is called Saving ME!  Saving yourself. I try and have tried for a long time to be a better person. I read self help books. I meditated, I went to church, I prayed, I allowed people to say horrible things online about me and I turned the other cheek. Every week I tried to make sure everything on a Friday was done to perfection in the hopes my Husband would be happy with it. I gave up more Jobs than I can count when the household fell apart in my absence.  I handled everything. then I noticed something.  With the exception of a brief beautiful moment in the last seventeen years everyone else was living the good life but me.   Jim came and went as he pleased. Drank, ate and was free as a bird. Some people that will remain nameless well they sat back and used me as a nanny. I did the work they had the glory.  The saddest part of it all was I allowed this to take place.  I can not anymore. 

Recently I spoke out and put myself out there and opened myself up for some very hurtful and brutal online bashing. Mostly untruths. It was not hard to figure out where it was coming from. I have made a few enemies. I am not perfect. I broke hearts and I have lied before. I have had two husbands and two children. I have been a scared new mother many years ago and rocked a baby alone and when she said her first words only I heard it. I have been stabbed in the back before and I have retaliated against them in the most un lady like way.  This was my own doing! This was me enabling and allowing and contributing to this because for the longest time I thought I deserved it.  I no longer think I deserve to have my majesty as a women destroyed, I know longer believe that others opinions of me much matter. I forgave myself for the mistakes I have made and although very painful admitted where I have been wrong.

I deserve to move forward, I deserve to pat myself on the back and I deserve happiness and a peaceful life. The one and only time right now this moment that I feel human and calm is behind the lens of a camera or in the  dark room. Nothing else matters. I think of nothing but the task at hand but to capture moments of Beauty and share with others.  I find peace in this dog Ricky or that moment at night when I close my eyes and know Shelby is sitting close by watching TV until I drift off to sleep.  I can not take all the credit for the amazing human being she is I did not create her alone. I can say I have hoped I served her and Timmy well.  I rarely see people that impress me but Shelby's brother and sisters impress me so with there sweet faces and soft personalities. You can tell they are mothered by a great mom and good person. I admire and respect her as well. Very rare again that I find people that I can say I see nothing but good.

I was recently blessed with two young men in my life that have become so important to me Niel Ferguson and Chase Richards. They make me move. They make me think and they are blessings. I am so glad to sit next to you in church on Sundays.  I am moving forward slowly, painfully and in some ways sadly.  Yet at the same time I am headed forth to ultimate happiness at some point it will all fall together. For now I have a few good people,friends that love me,a camera,kids and these dogs to show me that no self help book, no tv show, no prayer does more than what we do for ourselves to be a better person. It is our choice what we put up with or tolerate. It is up to us to get happy. It starts in small bits and pieces and happy moments and eventually like any seed planted when nurtured,cared for and kept safe will bloom into a much better life.

My Motto
To turn your anger into passion for something else and cutting ties with those that fuel that anger is ones best chance at self preservation!

I was compelled to Blog today!
Today starts out like any other day of course. Endless responsabilities and routine that at times feels like a drum beating the same tune over and over again in my head. Routine I need it to function and I hate it. I think every one needs a all but off routine moment now and then. I miss that aspect of who I was at one time.  The spontaneous me.  I feel older in my head and body but my hearts wants to take a bike ride, have dinner with someone,hop on a motorcycle and let the wind take over my thinking for a moment.  I think too much and worry too much. One moment of not worrying or having fun. Im on a search for a day so any ideas..lol appreciated.

Shelby graduates this year and I can not believe that it is going so fast. Life flies by you know. It flies by too fast. Soon in a blink of a eye she will graduate from college and start building a career and family of her own. I pray I have served her well. It has been the utmost honor to have been blessed with her life and personality and smile for ninteen years. I held on for a little longer than I should have but i kept them safe I think. I managed to parent through my own bad choices and some things I have done that I can not regret. I managed to make it to every concert,every game all those things and I complained at times and now tonight is the last concert I will attend and it is sad to me. I looked at pictures of Shelby over the years she alternated between looking like me and looking like her dad. Expression wise and attitude are mine I take responsability for that one. Eyes, lips and musical taste that belongs to her father.  God help me if she was a boy we were going to name her Stevie after Stevie ray vaughn. 

I taught her how to apply makeup tastefully,where to put cologne, how to fold laundry,to say please and thank you, that drugs are bad,drinking is worse when your behind the wheel of a car. I have taught her that letting a man be just that is key,never embaress him in front of his friends,dont ever depend on a man,settle for nothing reach for the stars, To thine own self be true. She taught me how to walk with a book on my head , love unconditionally and how to bake properly lol. There is so much more we have taught eachother I may have taught her to walk but she is teaching me to fly in a sense.  I love my daughter so very much.

Speaking of Loving so very much I make sure I tell Ricky every day I love him so very much. This morning he sat staring at me once I said it he ran off.  He has done this two mornings in a row. It is like he waits to hear it.  Ricky is something else let me tell you. he fills that house with character, smiles and peace.

I saw a old friend a bit ago and he asked how we were doing with everything. I knew he was referring to William. So here we are sitting here face to face and I felt horrible because I had not thought about William for a couple of hours.  He asked, " What would it take to satisfy you for Justice for William? "   Good God what a question that is.  My answer there is such a long line of people that would need to be arrested or punished there are not enough penal codes, laws and or jail room for the people all responsible for him not being here anymore.  I am not angry anymore it has turned to pity. I have decided I can not be angry at Tiffany or James anymore. I can not be mad at the foster parents any more, i can not be mad at GOD anymore. I can not afford the energy that anger takes from me. It was consuming me. now Iam selfish and thinking of me.......ME ME ME ME ME. I want happiness and peace and love and laughter. I want to be free!  How I achieve that Freedom well that has to be done with a respectful and mindful plan that benefits me aning to and my children.  I am thinking about trying to start a MADD chapter for the area. Unsure how to do that but would be much needed in this community and next year hopef a scholarship in Willy's name.

 For now the laundry calls me! toodles and have a great day!

Another Summer
Another Summer is upon us and lately I have been hearing songs on the radio that remind me of a spring and summer past that
was a happy one full of excitment and fun sunny days. we should never live in the past but sometimes those memories we hang onto
can get us through the troubled times we face. It has been so many months since I sat in that room with the Doctors listening to the words that the doctor said and watched some of the worst examples of lack of human maternal and paternal instincts unfold in front of me. I grieve for Willy every day and am so frustrated as to why I hear almost weekly. We are still working on it. it has not been forgotten nor has it been closed.  We are still investigating. We are still trying. While I sit here and think When.  While I wait I find beauty in the days that seem to come one after another each one longer than the next and each one a little easier. Shelby graduates this year and I try to plan a fun summer for her. Her last one as a kid really she will be a adult in just a few short weeks. Her party is themed PINK! Everyone must wear or bring a pink item with them to the party. Shelby's rule.  Tim is not taller than me and I have one semester left before I finish college.  I can not wait. This was a pretty easy semester.   I find my friend Jeanne although I hardly see her beautiful self being a source of inspiration. She has inspired me to get my hands dirty and find the comfort in growing things. I am planting my garden on Mothers day. So excited.  As usual Dennis is my source of strength and my organizational coach and very best friend.  Jim came through surgary well and put me tothe test as a good wife during recovery. There were days I wanted to give him nyquil but I did not and I took care of him and did what I was supposed to do. I loved him through it all.  I have come to see my mother as a women who feels needed and because of her I can do my laundry and have breakfast delivered to me.  All in all life is busy, I cry often mostly because I am tired but I laugh just as much mostly because Dennis makes me laugh. Looking forward to the morning every day and Soon very soon justice for WillY!

Such is Life
Jim is back to work and I am free. Not to do anything stupid,wrong or immoral but to do the simplest things such as squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, walk acrossed the kitchen and stir my soup clockwise instead of counter clockwise, take the long way through town instead of the main roads and worry about money with out any extra being spent foolishly. It is a good life. Seems I am getting poorer by the miniute but It is a wonderful day regardless. I am thinking of having a yard sale and looking forward to a day at the humane society.  the kennells here and the new pups are taking up most of my day. if your gonna have ANIMALS you better be prepared to do it right.. My attention span is very short today so no doubt this blog will be long It seems my lack of sleep for two nights has caused some fatigue induced loss of focus or interest. I went to Walmart early this morning in the hopes of avoiding the unwanted company of the wierdos..well it did not work. the store was crawling with hills have eyes people. So with my worries and my fatigue I have decided a day enjoying the sun beats worry any day.

Blog for the day
Im freezing! What happened to the good weather? I go buy two sassy little sundresses and sexy little sandles and poof it is freezing out!   Such is life. Like Central New york Weather life I have learned is nothing you plan. it is what happens while your making other plans.  In the past few weeks jim had a operation and as God is my witness he is the worst patient ever. So demanding and impossible to reason with. I lost so much sleep I forgot my adress and phone number for three days. No Lie!  Then Shelby came down with the creeping crud, Then Jim, Then Me and now Tim.  Thank goodness for Denny who as I write my blog and finish my essay on Nutrition in our schools he is folding laundry. I did do the dishes and mate socks today and walk dogs so I am not totally depending on my friend to get me through each day. 

The last few weeks I started having some of the worst dreams ever. I started also dreaming about someone from the past. This happened after a brief encounter with htem at Walmart and I mean Brief. So I started before going to bed listening to empowering music . Native American Flutes oh  my total favorite. Then I started thinking about something positive from my childhood and falling asleep tothose thoughts. So far so good. No Blue Eyed Bears in my friggen head, no Freddy Kreugars or snakes living in my kitchen sink in my dreams this week so far.  Believe me they are all just as scary and nightmarish as the next.

It has been very hard for me as well with the demands that have been on me lately I have not had much time to visit Willy in the past couple weeks. I try to go up every day since james told me that someone planned on going up and well lets just say doing something very bad to his grave. Try it Honey! I no longer believe there is good in everyone and I no longer think that all women who give birth and push forth a child from her vagina is considered maternal or even able to carry the name.  Sorry I am quite the cynical Bitch these day's. When it comes To Willy man anyway. 

And last but not least I am taking ideas for some of the people including myself that has recently suffered from aggravation,irritation,sadness,anxiety or just plain boredom.....What are we gonna do about it? I am plotting and planning a really fun day of no bills, no time limits,no phone,no internet just a get away day! Who is going?